


Moving Forward

by yashminha



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-13 08:40:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18937387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yashminha/pseuds/yashminha
Summary: "Being more open with their audience was something they’ve been planning for years. They’ve decided long ago that if they were still together by the time of their 10th anniversary, they would stop running. They loved their privacy, it’s true, but at some point it became really tiring and not real privacy at all, just a pretend show where they acted like they weren’t a couple and their audience acted like they believed it. But they had agreed to stop pretending and being able to celebrate this milestone with their fanbase, without any fear of being caught, owning their own lives, and heading into the future unapologetically."





	1. Chapter 1

Dan was sat by the fake fire at the fireplace. The warmth was there but only because it’s particularly hot in London this May, but the mood was really important, you see. He couldn’t light a real fire, or he’d die, probably, but he needed the feel and sound of a fire place, and some ambient music to go with it. And soft lighting, obviously. 

Setting a mood was important because he took the last few days to relax his body and mind before the storm that they were about to start. Just like before getting married, couples tend to spend a fortnight away from each other, he felt like he needed this time alone too. It was only handy that Phil was set to spend some days with his family on the other side of the ocean. Dan would go, but they decided he could use this time alone right now. 

To add to that moment, Dan was sat in his browsing position, scrolling through social media, while sipping from his fancy cup of a fancy rosé wine he bought just for the occasion of “relaxing before the shitstorm” as he’s calling it now. 

As he looks through twitter, he realizes their fans complaints grow in number by each day. But doesn’t really bother him, not in a sense that would make him feel self-conscious about life decisions he’d made. Although he understands that it’s not really fair to leave their audience hooked like that, with no real updates on what’s going, it’s also something he needed. Phil and him have known for years now how and when things would set in motion, and as the time was approaching Dan asked Phil for this time “away” from the internet. Poor Phil was holding it the best he could without Dan, but he wasn’t complaining, he knew it was only temporary. 

As he took another sip of his wine, he saw the glimmer of the band on his finger. It made his heart jump. A sweet reminder that all their little plans and schemes were intensified at Christmas last year. To Dan’s surprise, Phil not only had changed his mind completely about getting married, but he also had secretly planned everything in advance with his family, knowing very well that Dan was really fond of the concept of marriage and had talked about wanting to marry Phil someday if they could agree on the matter. 

Being more open with their audience was something they’ve been planning for years. They’ve decided long ago that if they were still together by the time of their 10th anniversary, they would stop running. They loved their privacy, it’s true, but at some point it became really tiring and not real privacy at all, just a pretend show where they acted like they weren’t a couple and their audience acted like they believed it. But they had agreed to stop pretending and being able to celebrate this milestone with their fanbase, without any fear of being caught, owning their own lives, and heading into the future unapologetically.

Still back in December, they’ve decided to put an end to previous traditions, because they planned on creating new ones. As they were getting closures on their professional lives, Phil’s family persuaded Dan to travel up north and stay with them until before Christmas Eve. He should have known Phil was behind it all. The proposal wasn’t something massive with a thousand of rose petals or whatever. Phil was actually in his pajamas. It was very sweet, reserved and meaningful.

He actually remembers the proposal with as many details as he was able to hold on to. He made a point of savoring and keeping every move, every look, as much as he could. 

It was at Christmas Eve Eve Eve. The family was gathered around a board game, drinking some wine after a hiking day and eating a lot; it was very slow and deliciously lazy. 

When the game was over, Dan found himself lying cozily against Phil, his head falling a bit between his shoulder and his chest, until he felt Phil’s chest heave faster and stronger up and down as he murmured “Daniel” under his breath. 

The family chatter died down. Phil slowly moved to a position on the couch where he could look Dan in the eyes and hold his face in his hands, like he was the most precious thing on the goddamn world, and right at that moment Dan felt like he really was. “I love you” said the man behind those blue eyes, to which Dan smiled “I love you too, Phil”. Phil chuckled under his breath “Yeah we agree about that, and about a lot of other things. And we also disagree about many others, which is just beautiful and natural. Like when you go on and on about how fate and luck are not real” to that Dan closed his eyes and giggled at the amount of times they’ve had this discussion. Phil giggled too and waited until Dan reopened his eyes to continue. “I surely could be thrilled at the idea of possibilities and probability, but it scares me when it comes to us. The idea of me being there and then to reply to you being just sheer probability other than something that was set to happen frightens me”. Dan could understand that, it’s really scary to think of “what if”, sure he was aware of Phil for a while when he replied to him – damn, Dan was his fan – but imagine if Phil had never replied to him. He could understand how it distressed him. 

Phil kept going “There was another thing we disagreed on because it scared me, but I have to tell you that it doesn’t scare me anymore”. At this point Phil moved from the couch to the ground and kneeled by Dan’s side. Dan could have heard the not so surprised gasps of people that already knew what Phil was up to, and seen their beautiful smiles and glimmering tears, but at this moment he could only hear and see Phil.

“Dan. Every day, stability, permanence, are not scary anymore, not when it’s with you. Everything is so uncertain and volatile in our lives, and I love it. But the only constant I really see when I try to imagine the future is you, and it doesn’t scare me” Phil shook his head, his voice was getting lower and soaked with the tears he was trying to hold “it only thrills me”. 

At that Phil dropped his gaze and looked down as he fished through his pocket for a while, retrieving a simple, matte rosé gold ring with one simple diamond carved on it (the ring wasn’t in a box, you see, Phil thought a box would be too obvious – and weird looking - inside the, until then, useless pocket of his pajamas bottoms). He stared down at it in his hands for a while, like his life depended on it. When Phil looked up again he had tears running down his cheeks and fresh new tears still under his eye. Only when he saw Phil was that Dan realized he too made a terrible job at holding his own tears. Hastily, he held the hem of his oversized sleeve and cleaned the moisture off his face while they both let out a sobbed kind of chuckle. 

Looking now into his eyes, Phil finally said,

“Dan - will you marry me?”

Dan had envisioned this moment so many times in his head before, how and when it would happen - if Phil ever changed his mind. How he would say his “yes” to Phil’s proposal, from cheesy crying many yeses, to being funny and calling Phil a fool and buffoon and saying “of course”. 

But when it finally happened he realized that he couldn’t speak. He only gathered enough energy to nod a slow yes with his head, his hands still on his face, covering now his mouth and cheeks, while Dan finally allowed the tears to run free from his eyes. Screw poorly trying to hold it back. 

Apparently Dan also forgot how he dreamt about the way Phil would put the ring on his finger and just lunged forward and hugged the other man, while sliding down the couch and kneeling right in front of him. Dan closed his eyes and just allowed himself be comforted by Phil’s smell and warmth and the fact that this man wanted to be here, in his arms, every day, for the rest of their lives, as much as Dan does. 

It was just when Dan heard a sniffling that didn’t belong to any of them that he remembered that they weren’t alone. He placed a small kiss on Phil’s neck and a small peck on his lips, before untangling from his arms and looking around. Everyone was silently smiling, sharing on that memory whilst respecting their moment (Kath was the only one that also had red eyes and nose from the crying though, the sniffling belonged to her, Dan realized, as he would have presumed if he had put a second thought to it). 

But before he could look back to Phil, he felt a hand to his own hand, softly pulling and raising it between them. Dan followed the sync motion with his eyes; like the hand Phil was holding didn’t belong to him. Before anything else, Phil raised Dan’s knuckles to his lips and kissed his ring finger, bare for the last time. With everyone’s eyes still fixed on it, Phil placed the ring and slowly slid it into Dan’s finger, easily, until it perfectly fit at the bottom. Phil made a damn great job at picking the ring, Dan mused. It was perfect in every sense; he could almost believe it was made only for him. 

Before he could stop, Dan caught himself doing exactly what he always dreaded when daydreaming about this moment – he was admiring the ring on his finger from afar, the up close, then far away again; he even heard Martyn giggle over such a cliché action. 

Oh screw it, he couldn’t help it! This is happening, he thought. He is engaged to Phil. Soon, he is going to marry Phil. Phil will be his husband. Right now Phil IS his fiancé. 

After finally tearing his eyes away from the ring on his finger, Dan looked at said fiancé. Phil was searching his eyes curiously, expectant, with a smile on his face. Looking into his eyes, Dan mumbled “You are unbelievable Philip Lester” to which now everyone chuckled to. It was so cheesy, the whole thing was so perfectly cheesy. 

Dan caught his cheeks hurting from smiling at the memory of that unforgettable winter night. The smile faltered a bit at the sudden realization that Phil wasn’t there with him right now, but the ring on his finger was a constant reminder that he will be. 

As much as, for years, he had dreaded the idea of sharing this part of their lives with millions of people, today he felt at peace with this. If Dan had to be honest, he was even looking forward to it a bit. The certainty and definiteness of finally being able to say “hey this is the love of my life, and this our family and this is our home” became intoxicating over the past five months. 

But it certainly had its downsides though; he’d already had a taste of it, the prejudice, the vitriol aimed at them from people that didn’t even know or care about them.

It happened almost seven years ago, was that right? Things were so different back then. Not in how people perceive non-hetero relationships – though it had changed quite a bit on the internet at least – but he felt like he and Phil were two completely different people back when the video leaked. 

They were in love – fuck, they’ve always been in love – sure, but they were younger and trying to make their career work whilst trying to avoid the unnecessary drama and exploitation that exposing their relationship could cause. They didn’t know how long it would last, but would surely manage to stay friends if they tried, so saying they were just friends was very safe. In many ways.

And even though he wants to believe that now is different because they are in charge of this information, technically they aren’t. They really aren’t and it still breaks Dan’s heart and pisses him off a great deal.

That video. That damn bug on youtube. 

The video was so important and meaningful to them. Whenever Dan felt alone or like no one loved or cared about him, he used to watch it. If Phil wasn’t there to skype and Dan missed him already, he’d watch the video. He could quote the whole thing in a heartbeat, he knew it too well. Unfortunately Dan can’t even look at it now, haven’t been able to watch it again since the incident. He feels like it was taken from his hands, shattered on the floor and taken by everyone piece by piece until there was nothing left for him. 

Without their consent it was dragged to the public consumption, and became part of their fanbase culture, became inspiration for songs, memes, drawings and phanfictions (hi, yeah I’m dragging myself, so what? I am aware). Now it was ruined forever. It no longer belonged to him, as a way to remind him of some great times he has spent with Phil, their first kiss and first “I love you”. No, it only reminded him of stuff that almost broke them. Of how Phil closed himself off, even to Dan, how they didn’t really talk about it at the time, apart from planning their story, how scared he was, how it pushed Dan harder until he snapped. It wasn’t pretty.

He remembered well, it wasn’t just entitled and disgustingly curious people pestering them about it, but the homophobic hate that came with it. They definitely weren’t ready for any of it, deep down you want to believe people will respect you for who you are. In a perfect world Dan wanted to believe the curious ones would be the worst he’d find.

In spite of all the hurt it caused, and the greatest crisis in their relationship so far, they managed to fix it as much as they could through the years. Seeing a therapist and treating his depression had done wonders too, he was able to work on his emotional wounds and he felt more in control of his life and his happiness than ever.

It was a good time to take this step, on their own terms. 

Dan mused too much in the past ten minutes, going from sweet memories to bitter ones so fast he was emotionally overloaded. Suddenly he was back in the present, the warm rosé atmosphere he set up for their place enveloping his thoughts again. His wine grew warm because he didn’t let go of it the whole time, but also didn’t drink it. It was just there getting less and less acceptable for consumption. 

Looking back at his laptop, Dan noticed he had stopped scrolling through twitter too. But he didn’t feel like social media anymore for today either. Instead, he opened a new tab and a folder with some venues for the wedding. They’ve been working on it since January, to try and narrow it down to one single concept that would please both of them and fit perfectly to everything they wanted, excluding and including places, until they found the one. 

Dan was looking through a particularly green one that looked a lot like the one where Tom Daley and Lance Black got married – he was really fond of this one for some reason – when he saw the Skype notification popping up and heard the unmistakable sound of an incoming call. They’ve been using FaceTime for years now, but Phil knows him too well, he’d know Dan would be reminiscing on their history. Right now there wouldn’t be anything more perfect than skyping Phil. 

“Hi” Phil said. Ugh god that quiff looked majestic today, why must Phil be away again? Dan forgot. “Dan?” Phil searched Dan’s eyes, that way he always does, that way he did the night he proposed and it seemed to wake Dan up – he did need a wake up today didn’t he? Been living in his memories throughout at least the last ten minutes and something.

“Hi bub, sorry, been daydreaming a lot, forgot I could actually speak apparently” Dan laughed but Phil didn’t, still looked suspicious and honestly slightly worried.

“Are you ok?”

“I think so,” Dan shrugged. He’d been remembering the hard times right before Phil called but honestly? Not even those memories were able to shake his confidence. “Actually I’m surprisingly well, to be honest.”

“Good. You looked so lost when you showed up, you scared me. I thought you were having an existential crisis or some equivalent of that.”

“Oh no, no, you just looked so fucking good with this quiff and glasses combo of yours that my breath was taken from me for 2 seconds…” Phil had pressed his lips and narrowed his eyes, making that ‘seriously?’ face he does “…’s true!” Dan finished, in a higher pitched voice.

“Yeah, like you don’t get to look at my face every day.”

“I know, I guess I’m just ridiculously in love with you and I’m missing you…or maybe I just want to kill you and sell your pretty skin on eBay-“

“Da-an!”

“What?”

Phil was laughing and shaking his head “Stop saying you’ll do weird stuff to me or I’ll start to believe it!”

“Oh, so you don’t like when I do weird stuff to you?”

“No!”

“You sure about that?”

“Please don’t be all flirty now. I’m not there for you to do weird stuff to me.”

“We could-“

“Yeah, we could, but I don’t think we should. We’re apart so you can enjoy some time on your own before all that, and I don’t think wanking sessions are included”

“Well, they weren’t, but it would be a good reminisce from when we used to do it…a lot, when we couldn’t be together.”

“Hum…feeling nostalgic?”

“Been revisiting some memories, yes, but not feeling particularly nostalgic about some of them”

Phil raised his eyebrows in realization “Oh..”

“Yeah”, Dan looked down, not really wanting to go there now and talk about it with Phil. It was bearable inside his head, where he could almost feel like it didn’t happened, that it was only an old bad dream. If he talked about it with actual spoken words with another human being he was afraid this could be enough to make him snap and give up. 

Before Phil could say anything to soothe his apparent worries, Dan shook his head signaling to his fiancé that, no, he didn’t want to talk about the matter and Phil dropped it.

The older man decided for another subject, one that could make Dan look at the brighter side if he needed.

“Have you had another look at your script?”

Dan seemed to appreciate the slight change, for he smiled at the question.

“Yes, I think it’s finished.”

“Really? Can I read it?” they were both beaming now. Phil knew how hard it was for Dan. He had begun to work on this script around a year ago if Phil remembers correctly. They were already on tour, but it was before June, so that’s about right. Dan was so nervous and nothing seemed to appease him. He didn’t want to step back and work on something else, he was really sure of his next step with his channel, but it also felt like he was rushing himself into it. There was nothing else he wanted to put out as his “Daniel Howell” content and it seemed absurd to wait almost a year to upload content again. 

But that’s exactly what he did. Actually he waited more than a year, not giving up to the constant complaints, allowing himself to take his time and do it at his own pace until he was happy with it.

“Yeah, I’ll send it to you. I think I nailed it this time. It’s not too serious but also not too casual, you know?”

“Right on the spot, then?”

“Yeah”, Dan answered vaguely as he was a bit distracted by going through another folder where he kept the youtube stuff, and sent Phil his brand new work. He had actually finished it earlier that day and was lowkey afraid to read the thing again and find that he wasn’t as satisfied as he thought. It was best to let Phil look through it and ask him for his honest opinion, like he always did when he was this nervous about his ideas. 

Phil opened the text and started on reading, as Dan bit his nails and watched carefully for the other man’s expression on the screen, studying to see if he found what he was aiming for while writing. And he did. Phil cracked a smile, then a frown, then he looked pensive and murmured “wow Dan”. But he kept reading and finished with a good laugh, just like Dan hoped. 

“What do you think?” Dan asked, even though he felt like he had a great validation from Phil’s reaction.

“It’s really good. I think I felt all the emotions I probably could here”, they laughed. “I’m really proud of you, my love” Phil said softly, making Dan blush.

“Thank you” Dan averted his eyes to his hands.

Phil got closer to the screen and murmured “You’re blushing, luv”

“Stop it!” the younger man laughed, blushing even harder.

Phil pulled back from the screen, snickering at the reaction he got from Dan – he was really fond of making his fiancé blush since they met, it was always a win – and returned to the script subject. “So, you don’t really say my name even once through the whole thing, but I think they’ll know who you’re talking about anyway”

“Yeah, I know, but that’s the whole point, isn’t it? We’re not afraid of that anymore.”

“No, we’re not. So why refrain from saying that this is me?”

Dan hadn’t considered it. Honestly if he had thought about mentioning Phil in this video he’d think Phil would be the one not feeling comfortable with it. After all, Dan had never asked him about it, he’d never do it without talking to him first. But frankly? It never crossed his mind. 

“I…didn’t really think about that. I guess it’s been so many years getting used to only referring to you as a friend or just implying your existence in videos. Just talking about you as something more than that felt so empowering that I didn’t feel like I had to go an extra mile”

“It’s ok if you don’t feel comfortable doing it yet, I was just curious”

“It’s not that I don’t feel comfortable…I just didn’t even consider it. But they will know anyway, right?”

Phil considered it with a smile “They always do, Dan.” They both laughed at that. Most of them do, and most of the time, but also sometimes they know nothing, like days ago they thought Dan went with Phil to Florida, the poor souls. 

But also it’s a constant joke between the fans that some of them refuse to acknowledge it. Dan appreciates that, he believes it comes from respect more than homophobia, but there was a price to pay and definitely heteronormative culture behind it too. Because years ago the same people that would never claim that Dan and Phil were a couple, would also go and ship them with any girl they interacted with ever. Was it any less disrespectful, if that was the point? Telling Dan that there was a theory that Phil was secretly married with children or that they hated each other, it was as outrageous as it was funny and it made him want to scream.

Nowadays, their fanbase was mostly founded on LGBTQ+ people, which was great and helped them to get more comfortable, feel like they could be helpful by being themselves and get their community closer, like they started to do with Interactive Introverts. The phandom were respectfully oblivious because now they understood what happened, that he and Phil were outed without their consent. There was no way they could unknow stuff, but they could be polite about it and they were…most of the time. 

“Do you think I should say your name? You know, to prevent any confusion and meltdown?”

“Oh, there will be a meltdown. If that’s what you want to prevent, then we shouldn’t be doing this whole thing in the first place.”  
Dan looked Phil dead in the eyes and raised his right hand, right beside his face and pointed at the band on his finger. “Phil, you see this ring you gave me?”

“Yeah, I picked it” Phil said with a sly smile.

“Yeah, thanks for that” Dan acknowledged Phil’s remark with a nod. “ You see, I refuse to take if off any more to prevent people from seeing it. We are getting married soon, Phil, and I don’t want to ever have to take our wedding ring off or ever try to hide that I love you ever again. I’m tired. It’s been 10 years, Phil! Hiding in plain sight! Editing out lovely bits from videos, so often that it sometimes make the final cut look weird. And they notice! I can’t not look like I’m in love when I look at you because I am in love with you! They notice this stuff. They are not crazy for being able to pick on this stuff, it took me too long to understand that it’s not their fault, it’s not anyone’s fault anyway.”

When Dan cut his rant, he noticed Phil’s radiant big smile.

“So you’re ready.”

“Yeah, I’m fucking ready!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan decided that he would use the determination he had just found to film the damn video.

Dan decided that he would use the determination he had just found to film the damn video. He added a direct mention at Phil’s name in one of the last jokes on the script. He learned last year that if he wants to get their attention focused on something, it should peak at the end of the video - as if they wouldn’t focus on this particular bit even if he put it in a small comic sans writing on the bottom left of his video for a brief second at the beginning. They would eventually find it and freak out, their audience is like that sometimes, he knows and appreciates how fucking weird and dedicated they are.

It slightly worried him that people might label it as a coming out video. It’s not. At least Dan doesn’t see it like that; he doesn’t want it to be. He never saw himself making a coming out video, he thinks they’re already as out and they could be. There are no labels to be put there, Dan’s just not heterosexual and he thinks he’s made it pretty clear so far. He just wants to be officially there for people. Like with his depression video, after he talked about it, he felt like he could help and make a difference. This time it’s another thing completely, but the feeling is there. 

The mainstream media might be stronger about calling it coming out video. Another gay youtuber, even though he wouldn’t label himself as gay. A non-straight guy in a homosexual relationship, it’s more about it, but that’s too complicated for a headline written by someone that doesn’t care. So why should he care? 

Their fanbase on the other hand, they know. It’s more of a “coming clear” video to them rather than a “come out” sort of thing. It’s a community video where he’ll use some of his experiences and eventually clarify some stuff.

Dan prepares his background for it. He writes a “guess what?” on the little square sign with the letters. He organizes stuff around, sets the lighting, places the camera and sits in front of it. 

“Right,” he looks back at the script on his macbook “shit this will be harder than I expected”. He feels like he’s learning to film a scripted video all over again, Takes a deep breath in, and out…and in, and out. Fine, once he starts he can do it, he’s been doing it for years, just let go and…he presses play.

-

(if you thought that I would attempt to write what Dan would say in a video like this, that he theoretically took more than a year and creative writing lessons to reach perfection for, then you thought wrong)

-

And pause. Stop.

“I think that’s it”. 

Or maybe not. 

There’s still editing on the way, and uploading. 

Then posting. 

What will kill him first from the anxiety it caused? He should have accepted Phil’s old idea and filmed it together. Or maybe not, it would seem weird. Or is it already weird by being him alone? What if while rewatching and editing it, Dan cringed so hard he died from that and not the anxiety? He decided right there that if he cringed even once he wouldn’t post it. No, he’s already cringing. There must be another way. He already wanted to delete the whole thing and only post a cryptic pic on instagram. On their wedding day. Where people couldn’t be exactly sure what was happening but also magically know everything. And never talk about it again. 

His thoughts were racing and he stood up, almost kicking the butt chair to the floor on his way, not even bothering to close or turning off anything. He grabbed his phone on his way to the kitchen and called Phil. Hopefully he wouldn’t be too busy doing fun Florida stuff. He braced himself against the kitchen counter while waiting for his fiancé to answer the call.

“Phil!” Dan said, before Phil could even place the phone by his ear. He only heard the end “-il” part of his name and he instantly knew what happened to cause Dan to call him on the phone so soon after he hung up a skype call on a confident smiling Daniel. 

He had filmed the video. And he freaked out. 

“Shhhh, it’s alright”

“No it’s not, it’s horrible and cringy!”

“I’ve read that script Dan, it was so good. There is no way it’s any of these things.”

He heard Dan trying to even his breathing.

“Have you watched it yet?” Phil asked, to understand what he was dealing with.

“No. I just finished filming…I think I didn’t even turn the lighting off.”

Oh, so he freaked out in capital letters and many scared emojis.

“Right. Do you want me to watch it first and see how it is?”

Dan stayed silent for a while, ruminating on the possibility. After about ten seconds Dan let out a sigh.

“No? I don’t know…maybe? You’re enjoying time with your family Phil, it’s not fair to bring you back to these problems we willingly got into, you’ll have enough shit to deal with when you come back.”

“I don’t see it as a problem. It’s supposed to be freeing, the scary bits are just part of this new way we’re heading to, but everything will be fine at the end. We will be able to lean over and kiss on a gaming channel video and won’t have to cut it out”

“We will probably cut it out anyway” Dan had a hint of laugh in his voice now. That was better.

“We probably will, but not with the feeling that this is some sort of dirty secret.” Phil sighed. “It’s not bothering me at all to help you with this. It’s your mental health, Dan, I care about you and I want to be here for you when you need me, like I said many times. You are the first one putting you face out there, alone-”

“I mentioned you” Dan cut him off.

“Good. But still, you wanted to film it alone, it’s your face and only that. I’m proud that you were brave enough to kick it first, but it also worries me a bit. You’re freaking out already. And I don’t want you to feel alone in this, because you’re not. You’re definitely not. I shouldn’t have left you physically alone before it all to begin with-”

“I asked you to go while I stayed in London, Phil” Dan said, emphasizing the ‘I’. 

“Yeah, we’re geniuses” Phil said. Dan could almost see Phil running a hand through his quiff, worrying over this whole thing. Dan didn’t want to get him worked up over him and his malfunctioning hormone producing brain while he was spending time with his family. Phil kept talking. “Please send me what you filmed. The way it is, you don’t even have to look at it too much.”

“Ok, but I want to edit it. Just tell me if it’s good or if I have to change anything, if I’m too nervous or if it’s-“ Dan was starting to speak faster already.

“Dan…” Phil interrupted him. “…Breath. Please don’t go there again; it’s going to be fine. And please send me the thing.”

Dan chuckled “Alright, I’ll do it. I’ll hang up now.”

“Alright. Don’t hesitate to call me again if you need”

“I won’t.” 

Phil wasn’t sure if this answer was about not hesitating or about calling back, but it was for Dan to decide at this point. 

“Love you” he heard Dan say.

“Love you too.”

And they hang up.

-

He had sent the file to Phil, about 15 minutes ago. 

And now he was sat on the couch, with eyes closed and head thrown back, trying to relax while he waited for Phil’s verdict. Just the idea of his almost 28 year old self feeling nervous and expectant for Phil to give an input about a video he’d just filmed and had the potential to change everything made him laugh at himself. Feels like a déjà vu, like he has been in this position before. 

And he has. 

The good nostalgia feeling fills him again, but this time it’s a memory so far away he couldn’t remember details. Waiting for Phil’s opinion on Hello Internet was something else, entirely, though he could swear it felt the same right now. But does he remember that feeling? Of trying to impress Phil and only him, to get his approval on something, using his “editing tips”. There really were editing tips after all, but most of it was just plain flirting on his part. 

Phil had approved of Hello Internet though, and look what happened. That thing is majestically cringy. Maybe he shouldn’t trust Phil with that, he was the one that assured Dan that Hello Internet was GrEaT! The thought made Dan laugh though. They were still tip toeing around each other at this point, so madly in love and anxious to finally meet soon, all the possibilities opening new paths for them. Phil wouldn’t think Hello Internet was cringy because he was in love and Dan knows love can blind your judgment sometimes. 

He knows because he eventually paid a price for exposing himself online more than he wish he had. Again, it’s so sad that their love life was publicly exposed, that they had to delete part of their history together on the internet. Dan can’t even revisit their first interactions on twitter. But part of it was their own fault, actually. What were they thinking when they came up with that “we met through a mutual friend” lie is beyond his comprehension now, but they surely thought there was something too telling about Dan being a fan and meeting Phil by being a massive fanboy on main. 

Lying about it and later coming back to the original story was even more telling, but as always they just made a point of not addressing it. What would they say anyway? “Oh yeah, that time, funny story. You were being too much and we freaked out because I was in love with Phil from day one and it was too clear while I publicly flirted with him on twitter, so we pretended it was nothing much”. No way, not then. Maybe at some point from now on they will be able to laugh with them at all those things they did…now that it can be funny. 

And let’s be honest, the real version of it is way too good of a love story. Dan still remembered the feeling of getting a reply from Phil on twitter, and then another one a couple of days later. Felt accomplishing and exciting. Then Phil slid into his DM’s and he was being all flirty. Suddenly it didn’t feel so right and yet he reciprocated some of it. He had a girlfriend when he met Phil. It was ok when he was just silently confused and curious about that guy making videos for youtube, someone he virtually would never meet. It was completely different when Phil started do show interest back. He fell so hard for Phil, there was no stopping it. Like Loki falling for 30 minutes, Dan’s been falling for 10 years, and had no desire for it to stop. 

He obviously broke up with his girlfriend when he understood how dangerously in trouble he was. And then went off to meet Phil in Manchester. Oh when he met his now fiancé in person, how they hugged like they were made to fit together, for so long in the middle of the train station with lots of people around, probably looking suspiciously at them sometimes. Probably, as Dan just wondered about it sometimes, because in that moment they didn’t noticed or cared whether people were looking or not. Phil was there and Dan was hugging him, clutching at the back of his hoodie like his life depended on it, like Phil could vanish from his fingers if he didn’t hold him tight enough.

They weren’t officially dating yet – and by official he means between the two of them – but they’ve been crossing lines on the flirting etiquette for a while at this point. Deep down they knew Dan wouldn’t embark on that train back to Wokigham without some hickey marks around his clavicle and sweet promises in his mind.

He remembers that they filmed the first PINOF that week, such a delicious memory that is, the first Phil is Not on Fire. He can hardly believe it’s over for good, by number ten. Oh so much happened during the filming of the first one, with the camera on, and after they turned it off. He still has the original footage saved somewhere. But Dan could remember so much of it with some many details that it’s already making him feel hotter. Was it that long ago?

He felt his phone buzz by his side. Great, Phil finished watching it, time to have his ass dragged, maybe he’ll forget about those terribly dirty memories.

He reached for his phone without looking. Who’d be calling him at this time except someone in America? He answered with a grunt, which earned him a laugh from the other side.

“You’ve been up and down with that mood of yours today, haven’t you?”

“Ugh, don’t even mention. Have you watched it?”

“Yeah. Wanna skype for that? I think it would be better if you look me in the eyes when I tell you it’s perfect and you did a great job at it, as always.”

“Should I trust you with that, though? You once told me Hello Internet was good and that I should post it. Then that shit happened.”  
They laughed.

“It became a classic, Dan. Come on…”

“For all the wrong reasons!”

“It’s a good first video. Have you seen mine? Hello Internet is art.”

“I don’t trust your concept of art now too.”

“That hurt. My concept of art is flawless. Ask Corn.”

Dan let out a bark laugh at that. Phil continued.

“Can we skype, please. It’s weird talking to you through the phone, it makes me anxious. I know I was the one that called you like this, but I had to know if you were still awake.” 

That’s fair. Dan couldn’t blame him for feeling weird about talking through a regular call. Usually they only talk to each other like this when they’re having a problem, when Dan is having a break down or something of the sort. 

“Of course I’d still be awake, do you think I’d be able to sleep before having your input, luv? But I don’t really trust myself to skype you right now, though.”

“Why not?”

“Well…let’s ay that I was here alone…thinking about Phil is Not on Fire”

“What?” Phil sounded genuinely confused.

“The first one you spoon!”

“Oh…OH!”

“Yeah!”

“And now you’re horny.”

“And now I’m horny.”

“Interesting”

At that, Dan heard the unmistakable sound of an incoming call on skype from his laptop.

“You’re nasty” and hung up the phone call, then turned to answer the skype one. 

The first thing Phil said when he appeared on the screen was “thanks” with that cheeky smile.

“I thought you said wanking wasn’t included in my alone time.”

“Oh it definitely is!” Dan laughed at that. “I meant like, us doing it together. And it’s up for you to decide at this point, love. You are already in the situation.”

Oh Dan had decided, that’s for sure.

_

“Fuck, why you do me like that?”

Phil laughed at Dan’s nonsensical post-orgasm mumbled question. He was definitely going to sleep after that.

“You started it. I just wanted to tell you that your video is good and you have nothing to worry about.” Phil said while distracted cleaning his hand with some tissue paper. “There are actually not many mistakes to cut out, you went pretty straight with it”

“There was nothing straight about that video, Phil. If there was, then I missed my point”

Phil laughed and rolled his eyes. “You’re insufferable. You know what I meant, you went pretty NOT straight with it, in the most accurate way possible.”

“Good. Not much to edit, then?”

“No, some cuts here and there, in long pauses and that, some effects that you pointed out and might want to add, artistic decisions.”

“Uh-hum” It was Dan’s turn to be distracted, looking down. “Yikes, my pajama is moist.”

“Go change”

“Nah, it’s alright. I’ll have take a bath before going to sleep.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” He said, while he lifted the waist band to put some space between the clammy fabric and his skin. 

“So…when are you planning to post the video?”

“Next month, probably. I’ve filmed it, the hardest part is done. And I kept my plan from last year, seeing as it’s already May. They’ve waited this long, they can wait less than a month now.”

“They don’t know how much more they’ll have to wait, Dan.”

“Well sucks to be them I guess”

“Da-an!” 

“Sorry,” he laughed “I’ll talk about it at some point before my birthday, so they’ll know it’s coming. But I’ll post it only after my birthday, around the anniversary of the first time we talked. They are curious and extra, they will theorize and this time it’s going to be it. Will be fun.”

“Evil mastermind. They’ll love it. Give the people what they want!”

“Ugh, don’t say that. I’m having war flashback now.”

They snorted. When the laugh died, they stayed in silence for a bit. Dan looked sadly to his moist clothing, his eyes already looked droopy.

“I have to go, love” Phil said, even though he didn’t really had to. He knew Dan would stay as long as Phil could, but someone had to compromise. His sleep schedule was already slightly ruined by their late night talks while Phil was in America, and they knew it was important for his mental health.

“Go have your shower and a good night’s sleep. You’re almost asleep sitting in the middle of our living room”

“Sorry about that”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s good that you’re not feeling like staying awake until you hear birds chirping outside”

“Yeah, I guess. Talk to you later?”

“No. I’ll move to Antarctica, to live with penguins. There’s no internet there so-“

“Oh shut up, bitch”

Phil was laughing that laugh where he pokes his tongue off. 

“Sorry. But I’ll probably be embarking back to London when you wake up, so we’ll see.”

“Alright. Love you bub, have a good night’s sleep”

“You too love. Bye.”

And they disconnected.

_

Phil was right. When Dan woke up, he had some messages from Phil on his phone, telling him that he was embarking. Probably the internet on board was shit, or he was enjoying the last few hours with his parents for now, for he’ll only see them again next month. He made a mental note to only talk to Phil if he messaged him first.

He moved to a sitting position on the bed and looked around. Dan wasn’t used to sleeping alone anymore, but if he had to, he’d use the whole bed, sleeping right in the middle because “why not?” right? There were pillows all around him, like a little fort, where he could hug them whenever through the night, if he needed.

As comfortable as it was, he terribly missed Phil already, even though they could talk all the time if they wanted, it wasn’t the same. When you spend so much time together, you get used to the person, it’s a happy habit, you grow addicted to people. There was no way they could move from this status anymore, it wouldn’t be easy if they had any desire to do so.

Perhaps that’s another something they did wrong while trying to keep their relationship hidden. Because it was easy and casual when Phil was living in an apartment he could share with someone and their audience was still very young. Or when they moved to London with little to no money, just a job perspective ahead, they had to share an apartment because they couldn’t afford two. 

But when things started to work out for them and nothing changed, when they moved to a bigger place together and absolutely nothing changed – and if it did it was that they’ve got even closer after that – then it got weird. When part of their audience grew up and became adults with their own significant others, seeing them still living together after so many years became as clear as water from the source. 

Because this section of their audience wasn’t just wishful thinking, they were properly seeing real things there. When you live with someone for this long, you smooth the sides of your personality to fit in with the smoothen sides of the other person’s own personality. You get used to their quirks, habits and little things. And you get used to having them around, like it’s how life is in its natural form. Right now, Phil is not here and it feels weird. It’s important for Dan to have his alone time, but Phil doesn’t count. Or if he’s feeling like being literally alone then Phil might as well be in the next room, Dan will feel his presence around, like it is home and it’s warmer. Wherever Phil is, it’s home. 

He didn’t go with Phil to America because it wasn’t going to be just them. And even though he absolutely loved the Lesters, they do count as other people. They certainly are family and have welcomed him into their circle better than he expected. Just because Phil had known for a while that he felt attraction for man at the time, it didn’t mean his family knew it too. Phil handled it all so naturally, though. Dan on the other hand was scared shitless, everything his parents knew was that Dan had just broken up a long term relationship with a girl, and even though bi and pan sexuality are real, people tend to forget that. 

Dan didn’t want to dwell on the aftermath of his “coming out” to his family anymore. It had plagued him for years, but he mended it with Phil’s help and some therapy, as much as he could. As their career took off and they gained more audience and opportunity, things started get easier with his family. 

But Phil’s family had received him with open arms from the beginning, treating his like as much of a Lester as anyone of them. That’s why Dan had decided to add Phil’s surname to his own. “Daniel James Howell-Lester” sounded great to his ears. Not excluding his own name, but adding Phil’s. 

This thought led him to the wedding planning ideas. He had some calls to make, some stuff to research, still. It was the next big thing to do. Maybe the wedding stuff had held him back on the script writing for a while, but he didn’t regret it. Planning a wedding was stressful, yes, but they’ve planned two world tours so far, which made “wedding planning” sound like a kid’s game. After Interactive Introverts Dan decided to relax a bit, so if he felt like hiring someone to help them and handle all this stuff he would jump right into it, but once he started he felt like he could do it, it was good, kept his mind busy but not overwhelmed. So far so good, flowing smoothly and inside the schedule. 

There was no reason to wait more. Phil didn’t propose just because he felt like they were together for long enough, he did it because he wanted to get married already. They already lived like a married couple, so not much would change in their day to day life. They will officially refer to each other as “my husband” and they refuse keep going with the “only friends” anymore. That’s a massive change once you let it out of the secrecy of your own home. There will also be some great memories to treasure forever of the day they swore their love for each other. That’s ridiculously sweet, but true. 

The business part of their life though, that will change a lot. How they deal with their shared businesses, their taxes, and even Dan’s signature in those papers will have to be updated. They would never take this step if they didn’t intend to come clear with their audience about it, because the business side of their lives was very much public and of easy access to anyone. 

Dan grabbed his laptop from his side – he had taken it with him back from the living room last night and written some ideas down until he felt like he couldn’t keep his eyes open – and his phone from the other and started to call places and schedule visits. They weren’t visiting locations yet, they didn’t want to be seen there together, it would ruin the damn surprise. They were deliberately blindsiding their audience. Their audience sort of knew, but maybe, by staying silent, they might slightly doubt it too. Was it mean? Probably. But that’s what they deserve.

After he finished this bit, he went through the bakeries. That was important, not only to look pretty but for that cake to be delicious. They love their food, but mostly when it comes to the desert. They had narrowed the bakeries down to the ones they knew and loved, each one had their number one favorite flavors. Thinking about food just reminded him of the fact that he hadn’t eaten yet. Shit. Dan looked at his phone, 11:30 am. Again, shit. If it’s this late, he might as well get some lunch delivered. He grabbed back him phone and noticed a new message. From Phil.

They talked a bit about nothing, then about something weird Phil did at the airport – he, in fact, attracts crazy people, they had concluded – and how he thought he had seen Sam the Surfer again, but he wasn’t sure, so it didn’t count in Dan’s opinion. Phil also informed that there would take just a couple more hours until he was home. Good, Dan was missing him a bit too much for his liking today. 

Dan had a vegan healthy snack delivered for lunch. Phil was a bad meat-fluence in his eating sometimes, so when he was away Dan took the opportunity to try and eat less food of animal origin. It made him feel good whenever he accomplished a whole day without any meat, dairy or eggs. Sometimes Dan would get Phil into it, sometimes each one chose a thing to eat at the same place, so Dan could stay inside his guidelines and Phil would go off on his stuff. But when it was food for sharing, like a pizza, it was hard to say no to stuff he already liked. 

He happily eat his vegan meal from the new place his brother had recommended to him. It was fucking delicious, indeed. Then he decided to just turn off his brain until Phil was home, by playing some Guild Wars II, of course. 

_

Phil arrived home some hours later. He had messaged Dan when he landed, but got no response all the way back home. Dan was probably deep into some videogame, for not looking through his phone for the last hour at least. Phil wasn’t too worried, he had seen this behavior before in two scenarios. It’s been some months since Dan had left the house without his phone during a crisis, but they are heading to uncharted situation now, so who know? But he wanted to believe that it was more likely that he was playing. 

When he walked up the stairs to the living room and saw Dan sprawled on the couch playing Guild Wars II, he definitely threw any doubt through the window. He entered Dan’s view, and Dan jerked up on reflex. Like, how scared Dan would be if someone entered their apartment before he noticed it was Phil.

“Phiiiil!” Dan shrieked annoyed and amused at the same time. 

“Sorry!” Phil had that tongue-poking smile of his. “I tried to tell you I was home, but you didn’t answer my messages.”

“Has it really been this long?” He grabbed his phone, whilst still trying to keep playing properly, he wasn’t finished with his gaming. “Damn, what?” Yes, it has been this long.

Phil got closer to him and placed a kiss to his temple. Dan turned his face and gave him a peck on the lips. “Hi” he smiled. 

“Hey you”, Phil answered. “I’ll go undo my luggage, put some clothes to wash and leave you alone a bit more.”

“I’ll just finish here and I’ll come for you”

“Yeah?” Phil had a sly grin on now. That smile alone made Dan sound dirtier than intended.

“Oh, shut up you dirty bitch. I can’t believe you.”

Phil was properly laughing now. “Come for me later then”

“Don’t say that, I’ve been without sex for too long now.”

“Me too. What a coincidence, Dan.”

“You don’t say.” Dan talked, but with his eyes glued to his game.”That’s really a weird coincidence. We should do something about that.” He says, as he seems to finish whatever he’s doing, because he takes his laptop and put it aside, then grab Phil to his lap.

Phil noticed what Dan intended, and before he could fall awkwardly on his fiancé’s lap and risking hurting him, he turned and lifted one leg, andd placed it by Dan’s side, falling on his knees, on each side of the younger man's hips, and sitting right on his crotch. 

The older man grabbed Dan’s hands, intertwined their fingers and pushed them above Dan’s head, while he lowered his body, gluing every inch he could to the other man’s body. Phil wanted to savor Dan’s delicious smell that he missed so much, and went right for his neck, kissing, nibbling and slightly biting it. He got Dan panting already, while he moved to under his ear, then the jaw, cheek, and then he finally found his mouth. 

Phil let go of Dan’s hands in favor of sliding it under his shirt, savoring slowly every inch of his skin, tantalizing with the tip of his fingers, on the brink of becoming ticklish. Dan, on his part, used his new found freedom to grab his fiancé through the waist, pulling him closer and place the other hand on his neck, tangling his fingers in short locks of hair. Then, slightly, he pulled Phil’s hair until they stopped kissing and Dan could look him in the eyes.

Phil’s lips were very much red from kissing, and he could already feel how happy Dan was to see him, as he was grinding down against him.  
“Oh god” Phil buckled forward, he was losing track of his thoughts way too fast.

Dan shushed Phil while he kept pulling the hair on the back of the other man’s head, and kissing down his neck, over Adam’s apple.

“I missed you so much” Phil murmured. 

“Phil” Dan said as he let go of him and started to unbuckle his belt “Shush. Now... please fuck me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, the summary is like, just the first quote from this chapter. But I also think it was the most important step they (and specifically Dan) took in this chapter, so, you see the problem. I trying not to skip too much of their time together either, like I said, I writting what I like to read. It's interesting how easy it is to jump from normal banter to something more while writting them, hope yall feeling like it develops easily too from the readers perspective.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading my messy fic, idk what I'm doing.
> 
> I'm on floppy-ding-dong.tumblr.com if you need anything

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first fic in years, I'm doing my best, but I don't know where this is going. I think I'm just writting what I wanted to read, so let's see what happens.
> 
> I really hope y'all like it, or else I'll just be back to writting stuff to myself hjbasjhk
> 
> Follow me on tumblr: floppy-ding-dong.tumblr.com


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